He Lives Vicariously Through Himself

Right at the top of the list of OnceWereBachelor careers is Beer Spokesman. As I've often said, "Love Beer. That is all." But seeing this gentleman, I feel the bar has been raised so high that this is another of those unattainable goals. Meet The Most Interesting Man in the World.



Why do I idolize him so? Well, didn't I just say what I said about beer? Weren't you listening? Besides that, he is Johnny Quest. Mr. Roark. Ponch. Sam Malone. Steve Zissou. 007. Chuck Norris, opening up a Can Of. He dresses well. He is a jai alai master, a friend to animals, and a grand raconteur. He was probably a bachelor once, but most certainly he is something more now.

Shake his hand. It's as soft as brown suede.



He is so interesting that he doesn't limit himself to one beverage. Even though he's a beer spokesman, he doesn't drink just beer. "I don't always drink beer," he says, "but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis." He is a man of variety, then. Moderation perhaps. Standards definitely. By saying "prefers", we know he's not a beer snob who will be boorish about what you put in front of him, and certainly that is more than polite. I wonder what else he drinks. Probably not mojitos or whatever-tinis, unless it's the original. He is a discriminating individual, then. Just listen to his position on rollerblading.

How do I measure up? Not well, really. What follows is a list of seven true statements about me, if marketers were to hire me for this career:

1. He once bit through his own lip.
2. He speaks fluent Russian.
3. He has been to the back room of a morgue, where he saw a corpse with the top of its skull removed like an open pickle jar.
4. He had a knife pulled on him on the London Underground and diffused the situation.
5. While building his own office, he ate a Big Mac that had been sitting in the back of his friend's pick up truck for over 24 hours.
6. He has been handcuffed and arrested.
7. He is currently a white belt in karate, alongside his wife and son.

Stay thirsty my friends.

Bruce Wayne, Fictional Bachelor

Bruce Wayne is one of my favorite Fictional Bachelors. He is once quoted as saying, in Adam West's quaveringly solemn tone, "I do nothing that any man with unlimited funds, superb physical conditioning, and a keen intellect could not do". You tell 'em, Bruce.

Bruce Wayne throws lavish parties in a huge mansion with a deep, hidden secret. He spends millions on cool gadgets that would be equally at home in the pages of Wired, Jane's Defense Weekly, and Bondage Illustrated. He drives a cool car and dresses well, night or day. Yet, this is all esoterica compared to his strong moral compass: stomp the bejeezus out of the filthy scum who make Gotham City (my city) a world class suck to live in, but don't kill them. He recognizes that criminals are a superstitious cowardly lot and that he needs to strike fear in their hearts by assuming the guise of a bat. Good idea, Bruce. And this is all done in the comfort of his high-ceilinged study, replete with mahogany wainscoting while he wears a fancy ascot. Oh, it's a prep school repp tie. Same difference.

He is urbane but not genteel. He parties hard and uses women. Yeah, he uses women to hide his deep moral uptightedness. His busy social calendar is filled, whether its a tony charity ball or a date with a can of whup ass. Everyone in Gotham City knows OF him, and wants to get to know him, yet, nobody really does. Even his most trusted colleagues are kept at arms length, the better to operate without hindrance. Heck, he scares the crap out of Commissioner Gordon whenever he comes and goes, and he keeps a pocketful o' kryptonite in case the Big Blue Boyscout ever steps out of line.

And what's great is that Bruce makes a great OnceABachelor, too, now that he's settled down with a significant other and a young boy to take care of. Nevermind that they're one and the same person, somebody he calls "Dick" (go ahead, Google "NAMBLA").















So here's to Bruce Wayne, one of the great Fictional Bachelors I've always wanted to be (I think).