He Lives Vicariously Through Himself

Right at the top of the list of OnceWereBachelor careers is Beer Spokesman. As I've often said, "Love Beer. That is all." But seeing this gentleman, I feel the bar has been raised so high that this is another of those unattainable goals. Meet The Most Interesting Man in the World.



Why do I idolize him so? Well, didn't I just say what I said about beer? Weren't you listening? Besides that, he is Johnny Quest. Mr. Roark. Ponch. Sam Malone. Steve Zissou. 007. Chuck Norris, opening up a Can Of. He dresses well. He is a jai alai master, a friend to animals, and a grand raconteur. He was probably a bachelor once, but most certainly he is something more now.

Shake his hand. It's as soft as brown suede.



He is so interesting that he doesn't limit himself to one beverage. Even though he's a beer spokesman, he doesn't drink just beer. "I don't always drink beer," he says, "but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis." He is a man of variety, then. Moderation perhaps. Standards definitely. By saying "prefers", we know he's not a beer snob who will be boorish about what you put in front of him, and certainly that is more than polite. I wonder what else he drinks. Probably not mojitos or whatever-tinis, unless it's the original. He is a discriminating individual, then. Just listen to his position on rollerblading.

How do I measure up? Not well, really. What follows is a list of seven true statements about me, if marketers were to hire me for this career:

1. He once bit through his own lip.
2. He speaks fluent Russian.
3. He has been to the back room of a morgue, where he saw a corpse with the top of its skull removed like an open pickle jar.
4. He had a knife pulled on him on the London Underground and diffused the situation.
5. While building his own office, he ate a Big Mac that had been sitting in the back of his friend's pick up truck for over 24 hours.
6. He has been handcuffed and arrested.
7. He is currently a white belt in karate, alongside his wife and son.

Stay thirsty my friends.