Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Bruce Wayne, Fictional Bachelor

Bruce Wayne is one of my favorite Fictional Bachelors. He is once quoted as saying, in Adam West's quaveringly solemn tone, "I do nothing that any man with unlimited funds, superb physical conditioning, and a keen intellect could not do". You tell 'em, Bruce.

Bruce Wayne throws lavish parties in a huge mansion with a deep, hidden secret. He spends millions on cool gadgets that would be equally at home in the pages of Wired, Jane's Defense Weekly, and Bondage Illustrated. He drives a cool car and dresses well, night or day. Yet, this is all esoterica compared to his strong moral compass: stomp the bejeezus out of the filthy scum who make Gotham City (my city) a world class suck to live in, but don't kill them. He recognizes that criminals are a superstitious cowardly lot and that he needs to strike fear in their hearts by assuming the guise of a bat. Good idea, Bruce. And this is all done in the comfort of his high-ceilinged study, replete with mahogany wainscoting while he wears a fancy ascot. Oh, it's a prep school repp tie. Same difference.

He is urbane but not genteel. He parties hard and uses women. Yeah, he uses women to hide his deep moral uptightedness. His busy social calendar is filled, whether its a tony charity ball or a date with a can of whup ass. Everyone in Gotham City knows OF him, and wants to get to know him, yet, nobody really does. Even his most trusted colleagues are kept at arms length, the better to operate without hindrance. Heck, he scares the crap out of Commissioner Gordon whenever he comes and goes, and he keeps a pocketful o' kryptonite in case the Big Blue Boyscout ever steps out of line.

And what's great is that Bruce makes a great OnceABachelor, too, now that he's settled down with a significant other and a young boy to take care of. Nevermind that they're one and the same person, somebody he calls "Dick" (go ahead, Google "NAMBLA").

So here's to Bruce Wayne, one of the great Fictional Bachelors I've always wanted to be (I think).

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